Reflection

A couple of nights ago I was reading through my old RCIA book, from years past when I was going through the confirmation process to become catholic. Both boys are starting to ask questions about things they have talked about in school and this occurrence, coupled with teaching the children's liturgy, I felt a review was a good idea. As I was thumbing through the book, I was drawn to a page specific to the crucifixation, probably because it is relevant right now! The title of the page was "Sufferings of Jesus" and the main point of the lesson on this particular page was love. One of the statements relating to why Jesus suffered so much especially caught my attention. The lesson explains that Jesus wanted his suffering to be a revelation about love - that true love always entails suffering. Hmmm...not exactly the stuff of fairy tales! True, a good story of true love often entails suffering along the way as good conquers evil to achieve the happily ever after ending. But there the strife and turmoil end, in your typical fairy tale that is.

I have mentioned before that I stopped believing in fairy tale love as real love a long time ago. Maybe that sounds cynical, but it isn't meant to. It just means that somewhere along the way, I grew up. The statement in the lesson I read last night reaffirms what I have come to accept. REAL love isn't about the happy ending where nobody gets hurt ever again and "happily ever after" only exists in stories. Stories come in nice neat packages with a beginning, a conflict with resolution and an ending. What a nice break from reality to enjoy a fairy tale, but that is all it is - a break, a moment of respite or distraction. Duh! Real life is in constant transition. One life overlaps another and so on...conflict, joy, pain, relief, love...they mix and mingle in multiple storylines of impossible plots and twists. The story is never finished, so where do you write in the happy ending? Bear with me, I may ramble a bit here. We started Gabriel's blog as a way to send information conveniently and easily during a time when life was anything but easy. A story began to take shape and evolve...but where did we end it? Life is good now, great even, but the story continues. Did we achieve happily ever after? But I digress from where I started...I was reading up on the crucifixion of my Lord. True love always entails suffering - don't remember that line during our wedding vows...or maybe, wait a minute...there was something about "for better or worse". Hmmm...talk about some fine print! We were married before God and our friends and family - a holy sacrament, a commitment to each other and God. I've learned taking a chance on real love does involve suffering. If you can love someone through tax time and a mortgage, bills to pay, children to clothe, feed and care for - or through worse - not enough resources to have a mortgage or children, that is real life. I am certain Cinderella and prince charming never bickered over a home-improvement project or what to feed the kids, or whether or not the socks were put away or left on the floor (in case you are wondering, the socks are probably mine, not Josh's).

I don't picture Snow White sitting at her child's hospital bedside and praying for his life, or for peace and grace to move on. I don't think Sleeping Beauty made countless trips to doctor appointments, the grocery store, the shoe store, while sitting on hold with an insurance company to argue about benefits and payments with the health care provider holding on the other line. Fictional characters are permitted their happily ever after and fortunately we get to go along for the ride once in a while. Real life isn't easy and real love isn't always blissful. We barter off little pieces of ourselves for the people we love. We make decisions we probably would not have made if nobody else was there to consider, we turn away from great jobs, sacrifice little dreams for a bigger one. So is it worth it? Everyone has to decide that for themself.

Mary watched her only son suffer horribly. He worried, even asked to be let out of the inevitable, but fortunately for us, made the sacrifice. He deserved nothing that came to Him. His mother didn't deserve to watch her only son beaten, ridiculed, and killed. True love entails suffering. Jesus loves us and He sufffered. His mother loved Him and she suffered. His friends loved Him and they suffered. So much pain, all for love. Was it worth it? Again, each person must ultimately decide that for themself.

Tomorrow I will attend Good Friday service with Justin. I have missed most Good Friday services due to other commitments, so I am grateful to be there. It isn't a joyous service. It is painful to sit and feel helpless, whatever the situation. The events to be remembered happened so long ago, yet it is still so moving and powerful to be with others who believe and grieve events we never witnessed. Is it worth it? I remember the first Good Friday service I went to...and I especially remember that Easter. It was the most moving and joyous Easter I had experienced and I know it was experiencing the heaviness and solemn grief of Friday's mass that made that Easter so particularly uplifting. I truly felt I was rejoicing for the first time. I always enjoyed Easter Sunday and felt peace, happiness. It was a special Sunday and different from the usual Sunday service...but THIS Easter, I felt more exhilarated. I had ridden the roller coaster of Holy week beginning with the carnival feel of Palm Sunday, the solemn camraderie and humble reverance of Holy Thursday, the anguish of Good Friday, the anticipation of the Easter vigil and the sheer joy of Easter Sunday. That was the year of my confirmation as a catholic. It was not something I did initially for myself...if I had never married a catholic or planned a family with one, I certainly don't see why I would have decided to become one otherwise, but I did experience something different that year.. and I have been working to build on it, to make it my own. I wouldn't be truthful if I didn't admit it is a work in progress, but I have come to realize that any walk in faith is just that, whatever label you give yourself. So...you may ask as I have, was it worth it? Isn't that the question we all ask from time to time about many things? That particular question has been posed multiple times in this post. If you know me, you know my answer to each.

If we are truly lucky, and loved in return, those pieces we barter off will be returned tenfold by those we have sacrificed for. Love is a delicate balance and the scales frequently tip more in one direction than the other. Jesus died for all, whether all can accept it. He suffered, died, was buried and rose again. He didn't deserve it and we don't deserve the sacrifice, but as we suffer for those we love, we too can rise through Him who strengthens us. It is a gift to us. Even as we experience the pain of love, John reminds us what Jesus truly hopes for each of us..."Love one another, just as I love you" The joy that comes from true love, the kind of love that cripples and paralyzes, far outweighs the pain.

Quiet Friday night

The boys are in bed, Josh (our latest strep victim) is asleep on the couch in the living room - some cop show still on the TV, Cosmo is sprawled on the bedroom floor and I am listening to a custom mix of songs on my ipod. Another one of those nights, where I am tired on multiple levels and yet still sitting here with too many thoughts running through my head - tumbling over one another and mixing around. I'm tired for all of the usual reasons. It's been another busy week in a long string of busy weeks. A jumble of busy mornings, trying to get everyone ready and off to their respective destinations with the appropriate books, lunches and bags morph into chaos at work and trying to figure out what I need to get done in the allotted time (what can't wait, what can and what will just have to) with a segue back into picking up little boys who may or may not be happy to see me - they have rough days too - and on to the mad rush to complete homework, piano lessons, get everyone fed and cleaned up, maybe squeak in some play time and then off to bed. Nothing out of the ordinary, not for us, not for most households at our stage in life. Maybe that is what is troubling me a little bit tonight. We're living normal lives, for the most part. Sometimes that is confusing to me, like something isn't right. It's not supposed to be like this, not yet.

Tuesday I pulled into the driveway and noticed my daffodil shoots starting to push their tips up out of the ground and I stopped, just paused at the end of the driveway. I love noticing this for the first time and look forward to it every spring. It sounds cliche, but it always fills me with such hope and anticipation. I know living in Indiana that winter may have one or two last spells in store, but gray cold skies will soon give way to color and warmth and freedom from heavy coats, hats and scarves. Those little green tips are like someone sneaking in with a finger to smiling lips harboring a very special surprise. Spring is coming, it won't be long now. A year ago it meant that a long winter filled with anxiety was winding down and we might be able to breath easier - venture out and start living like a normal family. I compared it to the last couple miles of a marathon. This year when I saw these shoots, I wasn't sure how I felt. This winter was normal for us. Very little illness, certainly nothing we could not handle. It was supposed to be more of a worry. We still should have been concerned about bugs and respiratory illness and potential hospital stays. We didn't have to, but it seems that every time I talk to someone, check email or another blog, I hear or read of another family who is struggling the way I thought we might, or much worse. I think this year when I saw those shoots, my heart broke a little. Not for myself, but for them. They deserve to be where we are and God only knows why we've been so blessed. I have tried to be worthy, maybe that is the lesson I am grappling with. I feel a need to give more of myself and I am searching. I make sure that when I promise someone I will pray, I really do it. When I ask how they are doing, I really listen. I think I care more. I think so. This week I tested a baby and confirmed the results of a significant hearing loss already found in another clinic. As I discussed my findings with the mother and watched the struggle for acceptance in her eyes, I felt the professional and the mother in myself meld as tears began to well in my own eyes. I told her I didn't understand how she felt because none of my children had hearing loss, but I did know how I felt when someone told me my child was not "perfect". I knew that my words were both critical and completley unimportant. This moment was not about me, but what she needed. We talked for a little while, and although when she left she was not done mourning, I think her spine was already beginning to stiffen a little. She'd be fine. Her beautiful baby girl was diagnosed very early and would get the intervention she needed - and barring any other events, should grow up just like any other child. Unfortunately the child right after this one also had a significant loss, so barely an hour into the afternoon clinic I was feeling drained. I think it is a good thing I was too busy to think much the rest of the day.

Today I played outside with the boys and just let the "stuff" I had told myself needed to be done this afternoon just sit. We played basketball, rode bikes and just enjoyed the sunshine and the emerging spring. It is too soon for this weather to be permanent, there are cold days and possibly snow still in the forecast, but it's coming. So I'll quiet my fears and my misplaced guilt for now - like the cold, I know it'll resurface from time to time - and enjoy today. I'll continue to pray that others will feel the same hope that helps me shake off the winter bleakness and look forward to brighter days to come.

Home Again!

The Winter Storm of 2009 made things a bit exciting for us this week. We watched the forecasts and waited to see what would come our way. We were prepared for the snow, but not the ice that came instead. We got about an inch and a half ice starting Monday evening and continuing through Tuesday afternoon and on into the night. We woke up around midnight when the power went out then laid in bed awake and listening the crackle and crash of falling ice coated limbs. These sounds alternated with the explosions of transformers. We got very little sleep that night. The next morning we fished out an old radio and batteries to figure out what was going on outside our cold, dark house. We dug the old chorded phone out of the boys' toy chest and started making phone calls. I got the cooler up from the basement and transferred groceries out of the fridge to put outside in the cooler. Josh and I worked together to situate things at home in preparation for leaving it for a while...not knowing how long that would be...until he had to leave for work. I was working on packing up some clothes and other stuff and heard the spinning tires outside. Josh was stuck! My orderly packing turned to hasty tossing of stuff into bags so Josh could drop us off at his parents' house on his way to work - in the truck. Two to three times per day we were checking on the house and our pipes until Sunday morning when the power finally came back on. Obviously under normal circumstances life is easier at home, but we were fortunate enough to have a warm, hospitable place to stay. The boys were well entertained with games, movies, the computer and their own imagination (we also went sledding Thursday afternoon and swimming at the Y on Friday to get them out of the house). I got some much needed continuing ed finished online and were definitely well-fed (GOT to get back to the running this week). I even got to celebrate my birthday with my boys and the Wittmers at Biaggi's for dinner followed by Godiva double chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory at the Wittmer's. It was really nice and very much appreciated. My parents and Tim were supposed to be here, but with our situation it just didn't make sense for them to come. I was really looking forward to having them here, but that's the way it goes when your birthday is in the middle of winter! Hopefully they will make it up here later this month. If we run into more weather problems, maybe we'll wait til spring? Anyway, thanks for all of the emails and phone calls checking in on us - it is always nice to know people are thinking of you. If you offered us any prayers THANKS - and kindly redirect them on behalf of all those still without power. It may be a while yet for others, especially in Kentucky.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

A wonderful day

Make a Smilebox slideshow

If any of you watch any of the regular shows on the Food Network, then you have heard more than one FN star comment that food is about more than just feeding the body, it can feed and nurture the soul.

Gabe hasn't been sleeping well at all this week and it has been hectic at work - on top of the usual pace at home. By the weekend, I was feeling frazzled and overwhelmed and a little lost. I had been craving the vegetable soup my Mom makes from scratch all week and had been talking to her about the right vegetables, soup bones and beef to buy in order to pull it off. I worked on the broth most of Saturday and then put the soup together on Sunday.

After church Sunday, and a trip to the Donut Bank, we came home and had a nice day together. While Gabe got in a nice nap, I worked on assembling the soup . While the soup simmered, Gabe napped, and the Colts made us nervous, the older boys and I got to work on some gingerbread men, and a home for them. We mixed and rolled the dough and the boys cut out their own little family made of ginger. Justin was commenting as we worked - as if they were being created in a hospital, "Ok, now that surgery is done and you are born, we will put you in the oven and it may hurt a little, but you will be a lot better after you are done..." As the family baked, we began working on their house. Yes, this year we went with the preassembled house and stuck with the decorating, and the boys had a ball. For a short while they got a long perfectly and we worked well together. It was one of those idyllic days that I'll always remember, and hopefully the boys will too.

When the decorating was done and cleaned up, I dipped into the vegetable soup, closed my eyes and for a moment I was sitting in a kitchen in Terre Haute - I wasn't a grown up with grown up obligations and responsibilities. The soup had turned out just like Mom's and it was like she was there when I needed her most. We got each other through a lot of times when the men in our lives were off doing what they needed to do and each other was all we had. Between the gingerbread house (I remember the one we made completely from scratch one year) and the soup, I felt calmed, comforted and renewed. Thanks Mom - miss you!

Tonight was one of those nights when the Mom role was pretty smooth, and after last week, I was relieved. Our household is finally recovering from a run-in with a nasty tummy bug. Gabe started throwing up sometime Sunday night and continued through Wednesday - then the poor guy had it coming at him from the other end. He didn't sleep well most nights, so we didn't either. He has also been fighting with those last two stubborn teeth. Around 5:30 Wednesday morning, Kendrick woke us up by getting sick in his bed. Calling around for help revealed that both Grandma and Aunt Brooke had been struck as well. All day Thursday I felt ill, but nothing like what the boys went through. I was a little concerned Halloween would be a bust, but everyone seemed well enough for a brief round of trick or treating. We managed through a busy weekend, but it seemed apparent that everyone was just a little "off" and out of sorts.

Today we seem to be rallying back to normal. Kendrick has gone from tremendously whiney to lovey and cooperative (for a four-year old) again. He even commented on himself, "Mommy, I am being really nice tonight. I haven't cried at all!" That sums him up pretty well. Gabe woke up chattering and smiling and has also maintained good humor all day. He's been walking around with his musical Halloween card from Grandpa O and Grandma Carolyn, just opening and closing it and smiling. At one point he had his card and Kendrick's, and no intention of giving it back.

Since the last update, Justin received his first report grade that has actual grades in it. He got all 6's (6 is the highest grade in their system). The only really area of "concern" was paying attention - which sounds familiar. When we met with his teacher, she commented that even though it frequently seems Justin is in outer space, he always figures out where they are and what is going on. He has learned his lesson about getting up to speed by checking his neighbor's paper, and will ask for help if he is really lost. His teacher especially commented on Justin's love of reading and mentioned that she will likely move him up to a second grade level in the AR program soon. His handwriting is a little messy, but she thinks it is because he is beginning to realize he is slower than most of the other kids when it comes to writing and he is trying to hurry. He is very meticulous, and has good writing when he has the time.

Kendrick loves all of his new activities. It is evident that the other boys in the tumbling class are older and more physically coordinated, but the college girls teaching the class are thoroughly charmed by him and are happy to modify for him, without slowing down the other boys. EVERYTIME Kendrick smiles, the girls light up and comment "He's so cute!". He likes swimming and is getting much more comfortable in the water - even practicing strokes in the bath.

Gabe continues to babble away and is starting to add some more vaguely recognizeable words. We're pretty sure he is trying to say "Justin" and his favorite word is "bubble".

General Update

Life has been very busy, so I haven't had a lot of time to update in a while. I replied to a family email, and before I knew it, I had gone on and on about what was going on with us. I opted to copy the bulk of it and post it here. As I have been reading through again for edits, what jumps out the most is how normal it all sounds. So blessed and blissfully normal - so very different from where we were a year ago. Over the past couple of weeks I have gotten several reminders of how lucky we have been. I got a call from an audiology friend who's stepmom works with a young woman. This woman is halfway through her pregnancy and found out the baby has a DH and about a 50/50 chance. I don't know any more than that. Keep them in your prayers. Another family my sister-in-law knows round about through work has a little one at Riley right now, struggling with multiple heart defects. Our dear friends, the Hufty's, are doing well but continue to struggle with colds and some setbacks. They got the news we were dreading, but never got. Time to hunker down for winter and become reclusive again. Keep all of them in your prayers, please.

Ok, here's the update - the ordinary, normal, day-to-day stuff we are so pleased to be able to tell you about.

Justin was telling us he is now in the "AR" program at school. He reads a book twice, on his free time in school, then answers questions about it on the computer. He loves it and has read 4 now, I think. He says he hasn't missed any questions yet! He really loves reading and is moving quickly through the "Magic Treehouse" Series at home. We have finished the first 8 books and are getting ready to purchase the next four-pack. We read the chapters with both older boys (Gabe is usually around but doesn't tolerate sitting and listening very often at this point)but Justin has gone back and started rereading the earlier books on his own and is doing really well. We have to help him with a few words, but not many. He has also been given his first piano solo to get ready for spring contest! I didn't really expect that this year - he is also winning the practice contest (meaning he has logged in the most practice time of all the kids taking lessons with this teacher). He is also getting better at tumbling, especially with the bar work. We are switching him to an "all boys" class, which spends more time on the elements that boys would do in competition. He is really interested in diving, so we'll see... Oh yeah, and he is still excited about Scouts. Josh just found out that the city is allowing officers to take an hour of comp time a week to devote to volunteer service, so now he shouldn't have to miss any of the meetings, unless it is really busy at work (which is helpful since he will be a co-leader).

Kendrick wants to join everything. He is currently taking "All Star Sports", which exposes the kids to a little bit of everything. Basketball leagues are starting in a couple of weeks at the Y and he wants to do it. He also wants to start swim lessons again and take tumbling with Justin. He would kind of like to try soccer some time too. WHEW! On the academic side of things, he has finally taken an interest in coloring and writing (primarily writing) which he has never really wanted to do before. He now asks to do a workbook when he comes home from school and wants to go over his "homework" (which consists of whatever art project they had that day). I suspect at least some of this is his attempt to grab some attention. We spend a lot of time with Justin on piano lessons and homework, and he can get overshadowed sometimes. I am making a more concerted effort to keep from happening. Over night he has gone from scribbling pictures for me to drawing recognizeable items. Last night he showed us a bunch of scribbled circles on a page from earlier that day and told us it was a picture of the YMCA. Naturally we responded, "OH! Ofcourse! Nice drawing Kendrick!" (scratch the head) Not thirty minutes later, he came up to me with a picture he had drawn just for me. It was a picture of himself picking me a flower. The self portrait consisted of a head with eyes, nose and a big smile. He had arms with five fingers at the end of each appendage. These arms were attached to a body, not just a stick or the head itself but a potato-shaped body! From the bottom were clearly legs. Interestingly there were two loops right where the legs connected to the body, which was curious so I asked him what they were. Innocent enough question which earned me a droll look and response, "They're HIPS, Mommy". Silly me. So he goes straight from scribbles to anatomy - who knew?

Gabe is coming right along in therapy and is likely to drop next month from OT and PT every week to OT once a MONTH and PT every other week. Amazing. Our most significant accomplishment is probably staying clear of the ER in over a month (knock on head). He has only been to the doctor for a flu shot recently. All three boys have theirs and we need to get ours. He is babbling more and more, starting to slowly add actual words and now has four consistent signs: more, eat, milk & please. He pretty much walks everywhere, looking very much like a little old man as he goes. This past Friday we made a quick trip to Indy for the members preview of the "Haunted Train" at the Children's museum and then a small reunion with some of the night nurses who took care of him. We haven't had much opportunity to visit with the night nurses, so we were very excited to stop in. Tabatha and Amanda fussed over Gabe's transformation from the last time they had seen him, and the boys' costumes from the party at the museum. As we were preparing to leave, we even ran into Dr. Rouse, who did a double-take seeing little Gabe the lion, accompanied by the Scarecrow and Tin man!! It was cute.

All in the same weekend, we took the boys to the Fall Festival on Saturday and then got up early Sunday morning to run in the Evansville Half Marathon. Josh did phenomonal - running the entire distance and coming in under 2 hours, right around 1:51. He also stated that he felt much better than the last time he ran it - which was about 3 years ago. I finished, which was all I really hoped to do. I made it in 2:41, which was much better than the 3 hours I was just hoping I could do. I didn't run the whole way, but am pretty sure I ran about 80%. It was an amazing feeling to cross the finish line and shock of shocks, may do it again. I am still sore today, but getting around really well, which shocks me too. I had only made it to the 6 mile mark in training, so my expectations were not too high. Not bad for thirty-something who hasn't run much since high school.

NICU reunion

Make a Smilebox slideshow

This past Saturday the whole family made it to the NICU reunion. To say it was an important day to us is an understatement. During our stay in the modules, spending time getting to know other families in the waiting room and learning how to lean on each other, the reunion picnic wasn't something we focused on. That would come later. As time passed, and we all went home, one family at a time, the reunion was still something that sounded like a nice idea, but wasn't a reality. Our little graduates still had so many struggles ahead of them and a big party (with big germs) just wasn't something we could risk. This year was different. We still have hurdles to tackle, but we can finally look back and see how far we have come and celebrate. We could enjoy one another's families and watch the little ones who once fought so hard just to be here, smile and interact with each other - and reconnect with the incredible people who gave so much of themselves to give our children a chance at a better life - some days, a chance at life period. It was joyful, it was poignant, it was entertaining and it was a relief. Enjoy the pictures.