Reflection

A couple of nights ago I was reading through my old RCIA book, from years past when I was going through the confirmation process to become catholic. Both boys are starting to ask questions about things they have talked about in school and this occurrence, coupled with teaching the children's liturgy, I felt a review was a good idea. As I was thumbing through the book, I was drawn to a page specific to the crucifixation, probably because it is relevant right now! The title of the page was "Sufferings of Jesus" and the main point of the lesson on this particular page was love. One of the statements relating to why Jesus suffered so much especially caught my attention. The lesson explains that Jesus wanted his suffering to be a revelation about love - that true love always entails suffering. Hmmm...not exactly the stuff of fairy tales! True, a good story of true love often entails suffering along the way as good conquers evil to achieve the happily ever after ending. But there the strife and turmoil end, in your typical fairy tale that is.

I have mentioned before that I stopped believing in fairy tale love as real love a long time ago. Maybe that sounds cynical, but it isn't meant to. It just means that somewhere along the way, I grew up. The statement in the lesson I read last night reaffirms what I have come to accept. REAL love isn't about the happy ending where nobody gets hurt ever again and "happily ever after" only exists in stories. Stories come in nice neat packages with a beginning, a conflict with resolution and an ending. What a nice break from reality to enjoy a fairy tale, but that is all it is - a break, a moment of respite or distraction. Duh! Real life is in constant transition. One life overlaps another and so on...conflict, joy, pain, relief, love...they mix and mingle in multiple storylines of impossible plots and twists. The story is never finished, so where do you write in the happy ending? Bear with me, I may ramble a bit here. We started Gabriel's blog as a way to send information conveniently and easily during a time when life was anything but easy. A story began to take shape and evolve...but where did we end it? Life is good now, great even, but the story continues. Did we achieve happily ever after? But I digress from where I started...I was reading up on the crucifixion of my Lord. True love always entails suffering - don't remember that line during our wedding vows...or maybe, wait a minute...there was something about "for better or worse". Hmmm...talk about some fine print! We were married before God and our friends and family - a holy sacrament, a commitment to each other and God. I've learned taking a chance on real love does involve suffering. If you can love someone through tax time and a mortgage, bills to pay, children to clothe, feed and care for - or through worse - not enough resources to have a mortgage or children, that is real life. I am certain Cinderella and prince charming never bickered over a home-improvement project or what to feed the kids, or whether or not the socks were put away or left on the floor (in case you are wondering, the socks are probably mine, not Josh's).

I don't picture Snow White sitting at her child's hospital bedside and praying for his life, or for peace and grace to move on. I don't think Sleeping Beauty made countless trips to doctor appointments, the grocery store, the shoe store, while sitting on hold with an insurance company to argue about benefits and payments with the health care provider holding on the other line. Fictional characters are permitted their happily ever after and fortunately we get to go along for the ride once in a while. Real life isn't easy and real love isn't always blissful. We barter off little pieces of ourselves for the people we love. We make decisions we probably would not have made if nobody else was there to consider, we turn away from great jobs, sacrifice little dreams for a bigger one. So is it worth it? Everyone has to decide that for themself.

Mary watched her only son suffer horribly. He worried, even asked to be let out of the inevitable, but fortunately for us, made the sacrifice. He deserved nothing that came to Him. His mother didn't deserve to watch her only son beaten, ridiculed, and killed. True love entails suffering. Jesus loves us and He sufffered. His mother loved Him and she suffered. His friends loved Him and they suffered. So much pain, all for love. Was it worth it? Again, each person must ultimately decide that for themself.

Tomorrow I will attend Good Friday service with Justin. I have missed most Good Friday services due to other commitments, so I am grateful to be there. It isn't a joyous service. It is painful to sit and feel helpless, whatever the situation. The events to be remembered happened so long ago, yet it is still so moving and powerful to be with others who believe and grieve events we never witnessed. Is it worth it? I remember the first Good Friday service I went to...and I especially remember that Easter. It was the most moving and joyous Easter I had experienced and I know it was experiencing the heaviness and solemn grief of Friday's mass that made that Easter so particularly uplifting. I truly felt I was rejoicing for the first time. I always enjoyed Easter Sunday and felt peace, happiness. It was a special Sunday and different from the usual Sunday service...but THIS Easter, I felt more exhilarated. I had ridden the roller coaster of Holy week beginning with the carnival feel of Palm Sunday, the solemn camraderie and humble reverance of Holy Thursday, the anguish of Good Friday, the anticipation of the Easter vigil and the sheer joy of Easter Sunday. That was the year of my confirmation as a catholic. It was not something I did initially for myself...if I had never married a catholic or planned a family with one, I certainly don't see why I would have decided to become one otherwise, but I did experience something different that year.. and I have been working to build on it, to make it my own. I wouldn't be truthful if I didn't admit it is a work in progress, but I have come to realize that any walk in faith is just that, whatever label you give yourself. So...you may ask as I have, was it worth it? Isn't that the question we all ask from time to time about many things? That particular question has been posed multiple times in this post. If you know me, you know my answer to each.

If we are truly lucky, and loved in return, those pieces we barter off will be returned tenfold by those we have sacrificed for. Love is a delicate balance and the scales frequently tip more in one direction than the other. Jesus died for all, whether all can accept it. He suffered, died, was buried and rose again. He didn't deserve it and we don't deserve the sacrifice, but as we suffer for those we love, we too can rise through Him who strengthens us. It is a gift to us. Even as we experience the pain of love, John reminds us what Jesus truly hopes for each of us..."Love one another, just as I love you" The joy that comes from true love, the kind of love that cripples and paralyzes, far outweighs the pain.